ellenthick

off the band wagon, so to speak. lol. The holiday festivities got the worst of my weak stomach. I’m afraid to weigh in because well…it feels as if i’ve gained it all back :/ That’s ok. I mean it’s not, but i’m not going to make myself suffer forever because of a relapse. I’m gonna get back to doing good. For my sake. Tomorrow is a new day. Heck, it’s a new year!

This video cracks me up everytime. Please do not watch if you get offended easily by language & sexual references. But it is funny & kinda makes me laugh at myself.

HAPPY 2009!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kGvtne2zfo

I always thought the first 10 pounds were the hardest to lose, to get started with the weight loss. I’m happy to report that Nutrisystem has helped me shed 12lbs so far…& that’s without going to the gym. I can’t imagine how quickly i will lose once i kick my butt at the gym every week. (:

 I’ve stayed pretty disciplined. I’ve rid coke from my menu, drinking lots of flavor-water & coffee in the morning. The portions were a little hard for me at first, Nutrisystem consists of many small meals. I make sure to keep up with my multi-vitamin every morning. It helps if i stick to a routine every day, then i kinda exect it to happen, so overeating isn’t a major problem.

So with my “lifestyle change” going ridiculously well, i am a bit nervous for Sunday though. My college posted a bulletin asking students to send in face shots to be selected for the student calender. So i figured, what the heck? I sent in some pictures. I’m thinking to myself, no way they’re gonna select me to be 1 of 7 in the entire school, yeah right. But something still told me to send it anyway. WELL, i get an email back & they chose me! I was like “WhhAATT?!” I was in awe. So, Sunday is the photo shoot. I’m a nervous wreck. I’ve never done anything like this. I’m also afraid i’ll get there & they’ll be like “who are you?” & i’ll be like “Ellen” & they’ll be like “uhh, right. the Ellen we saw looked a lot better than you!”

I know, i know. I’m so cruel to myself, lol. I fight with my insecurities everyday, it’s horrible. So anyway, i’m afraid i’m gonna chicken out. I have a way of talking myself out of good things.

:/

I gotta admit i’m cheating….a lot! lol, but i’m happy that i’m finally legal! I promise i will get back on track, but you only turn 18 once, ya’know? I’m going to this birthday dinner feast…high luxury cuisine…& i’m going to enjoy it! I’m going to start NutriSystem this week once it gets here…anybody here doing that or knows someone that does? I’d really love to hear success stories. I think it will be perfect for me because i work & go to school a lot, so really not much time to cook. This way, i have planned out meals that have already been measured for me & stuff. I think it’s gonna do great for me! Plus, i’m going to the gym! I’m gonna be a fit little mama pretty soon….i can’t wait for the weight to just start sliding off & to start feeling really good. The only thing I need to do now is….quit smoking. Yeah…that’s real bad, i know. Does anyone know what smoking affects when you’re trying to lose weight?

Well, i’m off to celebrate my legal-ness!

Thanks for all the support & comments!

Love, Ellen (legalized, lol)

this. This girl that stares me back in the mirror who looks so…sad. I guess I could say it started early on in my child hood. My family has always had holidays & tradition around food. Food, food & more food. Which is fine, we’re a family that loves all sorts of eatery. If I said I’ve had a bad chilhood, i’d be lying. My younger years have been absolutely perfect. Yeah, I was a little chunkier than my average stick-figure like friends but I always had fun. It wasn’t until late elementary & early middle school that some of the boys started picking on me. But that happens to everyone, right? I was tough & I dished back what they dished me. In 7th grade, I came to a point where I said…this is enough. Having to be weighed in front of all my classmates at school was ridiculous. More so when they classified me as “obese.” I was 13 & very vulnerable. But I took it upon myself to get healthier & well, to tell you the truth…I really wanted this guy i’d been crushing on for years..to really notice me in that way. Over summer I lost over 40 pounds & came back a different person. I was 5′9″ & 190lbs. I didn’t know it then but…I looked really good. Of course I got attention from guys that never once looked at me before…i got my first of several boyfriends that year… it was absolutely amazing. but I still remember back then thinking how fat I thought I was. I was still putting myself down even though I got showered with compliments. 14 is the best teen year for me so far. It got better though…I started really LIVING!

And then it all crashed & burned. My Dad suddenly died from lung cancer. I didn’t know what to think anymore. It was so painful, yet I never really cried, instead I isolated & ate. I ate. I ate & ate & ate until I ballooned to a whopping 230. I thought that was bad…..then I tipped the scales at 250. I guess I never really healed. Eating my pain had become my life. I started messing up school, I picked the wrong friends & I just…gave up.

Just a little over a year ago, when I was 16 my Uncle died. Great…everyone I love the most is dying. I kept thinking that. I blamed myself for ridiculous things. I was hurting & once again eating.

So here I am. Less than 4 days ’til my 18th birthday. 323lbs @ 5′10″. I don’t even know how I managed to gain my body weight times two from age 14. It baffles me & makes me want to cry for days.

But I must not. I’ve done enough crying. I’ve healed relationships, I’ve started college a year early, I’ve held a job for almost 2 years, I have my own car…I have done a lot of great improvement in my life. Now it’s time for my appearance. I know i’m beautiful in the soul, I just want everyone to see that on the outside.

Wow, this was a really long post & if you read through it all, I thank you. I keep a lot of my feelings isolated inside me & it’s good for me to write & speak it out.

I know now that I’m committed.. really committed to doing this. I just wanna live again, you know?

You know.

with myself. Not only do i feel unhealthy…i look it. It’s time for a change. I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life & it’s kept me from really living. My obsession with food has gone from loving it to just plain sickening. I want to feel better & look better. I want to be my own ideal. Today, starts a new beginning.